Room to swing a hamster

You know life is a bowl of George Clooneys when you can book into a hotel and make like a hamster. In this case, you dress up as a hamster, eat like a hamster, run in a wheel like a hamster, evacuate like a hamster and within all likelihood, shag like a hamster. I may have walked in my wry-ish yet adorable hiking boots across a reasonable amount of the planet, obtained a confusing collection of educational qualifications and done my own share of mind-fucking jobs, but delightfully and thankfully there’s still a never ending supply of ‘you ain’t seen nothing yet’ and ‘oh! Why didn’t I think of that?’

Hamsters have never really had a significant spot in the ‘upstairs room’ where I rummage through thoughts about thinkable things, which happen to be alot of things and mostly irrelevant to practical living. However, this little hamster hotel has taken up a fascinating spot between the full metal monk and spontaneous  juicing recipes.  It is like earworm but with pictures. You know how you go to the supermarket and then some pop song played over the speakers crawls in your ear and it will not get out. Cotton buds don’t work. Listening to your normal intelligent shit on cool and funkable radio stations doesn’t work. Even watching Fox News doesn’t work, when normally the screaming, one-eyed, ignorant-assed, idiot newsdesk reporters normally make you so steaming furious or bent over with the hilarity of their unbelievable lack of logic, that you become immersed ‘in the moment’ in an Eckhart Tolle kind of way.

However, instead of hearing YMCA, worrying over debts or seeing dead people all the time I’ve got fricking people dressed up as hamsters running in hamster wheels.

So in a bid to remove the ear-hamsters from my upstairs room, I decided, in a totally scientific kind of way, to do an empirical study into why anyone would book into a hotel to dress up as a hamster and run in a hamster wheel and what kind of person books into a hotel to dress up as a hamster and run in a hamster wheel? And last but not least, find out what those little furry people critters are doing in my upstairs room.

Now, empirical investigation was required to ensure I met the strict criteria of the exceptional minds on the austechwriter@freelists.org forum who frequently like to diminish others on the forum into shivering little blots of nothingness, by insisting they (the exceptional minds) are of superior intelligence and everyone else is stupid. These exceptional minds have rarely ventured beyond rooms with computers or spoken to people who do not speak about computers or technical writing and take their people skills from scientific studies, which of course are all indicators of high intelligence. I must admit I have several degrees and I do like textbooks, logic and analysis as much as the next nerd, but I also happen to be creative, like to think beyond text books and actually experience life. These people need to actually see the world and it’s vast array of perspectives. This interaction with my IT boss a few years ago sums up the personality of these type of people perfectly.

IT boss: Why would you want to travel the world when you can see and experience everything on the Internet anyway?

Me: Why would you want to have sex when you can see and experience it all on the Internet anyway?

IT boss: Oh. I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Me: I know. I’m a fricking genius.

However, in the interests of winning the approval of empirical evidence addicts, my study contains only empirical evidence, as this is the only truth and nothing but the truth, even when it is contradicted by other studies including studies that have shown research is significantly insignificant. In addition, 50,000 people with incredibly similar anecdotes that sticking your head in a blender is not good for health are not sufficient evidence that sticking your head in a blender is not good for health, because these people are out of their fricking minds with subjectivity and the placebo effect. A number of scientists and some technical writers on the above mentioned technical writing forum are never biased because they have no emotions other than disdain. Disdain enables them to obtain valid and reliable scientific evidence from scientifically controlled research in which 150 subjects with almost identical features take a pill and it only has 392 side effects but can give them an engorged penis and consequently keep them happy for life.

In keeping with the great scientific and technical minds I will make the assumption that no thought or experience exists unless it has been hypothesised, scrutinised, empiricised, or aneasthetised to the squarest inch. It will be of no relevance, that the rest of the world’s population are 3000 years ahead of the scientists who have finally, empirically concluded that sticking your head in a blender on ice crusher mode is not good for your longevity. I thank my plucky stars that the world over, governments provide funding for important research such as this and that it comes from the taxes of people who already knew that sticking your head in a blender was not a good idea.

Now lets get back to our empirical study into why people want to make like hamsters.

For group 1, we selected 332 subjects who liked to dress up as hamsters and make like hamsters do, and put them in a suffocatingly small room that had nothing to do with the outside world. 301 people were removed from the study on the basis that they were not clones. The final 31 remaining subjects, met the requirements of validity and reliability as all extraneous possibilities of mild difference were reduced to a significant number of 0.

For group 2 we obtained a control group of 495 clones who were different from the first clones in that they did not want go to a hotel and dress up as hamsters and do the things that hamsters do.

Test results were obtained using t-tests, chi-square, anova and hamster grain scattering and showed significant comparisons between the sample group and the control group, beyond interest or non-interest in going to a hotel and dressing up as hamsters and doing the things that hamsters do. These results included:

  • People who wanted to go to the hamster hotel had significantly larger teeth than the control group and evacuated in small pellets, unlike the control group who evacuated at a significantly larger size.
  • The overall interest in dressing up and making like hamsters included past life closure ‘I was a hamster in my last life and I did nowhere near the rotations I was meant to do,’ as well as ‘I like small furry things, have always liked small furry things and I believe I am a small furry thing,’ and the most common observation,  ‘why the fuck wouldn’t you want to go to a hotel, dress up as a hamster and do the things that hamsters do?’ In turn, 100% of the control group of subjects expressed ‘why the fuck would I want to go to a hotel and do what hamsters do?’
  • The hamster making sample group had a significantly higher sense of humour, were happier and were lower on the stuckupedness scale than the control group who were dour, boring, conservative little pussies.

The conclusion of the study showed that going to a hotel and dressing up as hamsters and doing the things that hamsters do has remarkable benefits for physical and mental health and wellbeing. The researchers of this study believe this has the propensity to turn into a worldwide hamster revolution many times over and over and over and over and… Have you got some seed please?

From this study I can only conclude, it’s wonderful how science can benefit people. Upon completion of this study, I have had my own little revolution in the upstairs room and a reinvention of  philosophical beliefs. It’s amazing how many times in life you believe you have worked it all out,  then empirical evidence comes along like a whack on the side of the head with a hamster and you realise how wrong you’ve been.  Thank goodness for empiricism. Now I’m off to France to dress as a hamster, eat some hamster seed and run in a hamster wheel. Vive le hamster revolution!

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