Today we’re going to talk about ladies. And we’re going to talk about ladies for several reasons:
- My friend, Charles, sent an email around addressed to ‘gentlefolk and ladies’ which required me to send back an email that said this:
According to my Macquarie Dictionary gentlefolk are:
‘Persons of good family and breeding’.
Does that mean ladies are not of good family and breeding?
The email also included other crap about whether I was a lady or a gentlefolk, blah, blah, blah. To which Charles asked if it was too late to withdraw his ‘cheers’ salutation (which sounds way dirtier than I mean that to be) and to which I replied ‘I like cheers, cheers is good ‘and which we then followed up with some stuff about horror schlock, blood and gore and the fact that The Wire (which includes lots of swearing and is fucking brilliant) will be showing on ABC2, which is some proof I am not a lady.
- I’m good at reading maps.
- I find domestic chores tedious. I prefer to stick a scalpel through the sole of my foot and out through my fibula than clean walls and floors. Seriously, where is the joy in disinfectant and Exit Mould?
- I may be no lady, but I know I am female because I once went to Egypt where I discovered I was a big fluffy pink walking vagina. I’ve never met so many men eager to please me. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met any other men anywhere near as eager to please me. Except perhaps when I was young and drunk in Adelaide’s pubs and so obviously up for it in my provocative jeans and t-shirt that men could not help but pinch my arse because Adelaide then was the city of bogans. With all due respect, Adelaide, South Australia has somewhat evolved and has some class now and less bogans.
- The Independent published a timely article about Why can’t a Woman be more like a Lady? that I saw right after my email from Charles. This showed that reading online papers is very productive and that synchronicity is spooky.
Now, apparently there is a movement to bring back the lady. It is well known that women are all turning into brainless Paris Hiltons, loudmouthed alcoholics and girls with no undies as shown by reality television and the paparazzi who are the epitomy of etiquette and good manners.
Consequently, women such as the delightfully Christian, Ms Christy, wants women to return to being “tactful, well-spoken, cute but modest; the most intelligent version of ourselves”.
The most obvious problem with that statement is that the first half of that statement defeats the capacity for women to be the second part.
The second most obvious thing is that Ms Christy only reads paparazzi magazines and misses the fact there are alot of young women doing amazing things like these young geniuses in technology who are studying neurobiology, building websites and all that kind of shit at the age of twelve and are simply freaking amazing.
Yes, Ms uptight Christian Christy, Women don’t get anywhere by being coy and cute, they make a difference and have fulfilling lives by being intelligent, speaking up and showing people what they are good at doing.
Finally, men earn more than women because they know they are worth something. This may have once passed for cute, smart, tactless, heathen is all for women getting up and shouting their worth just like men do. Being all modest and coy gets you treated like a doormat and is why so many women are popping anti-depressants, going to shrinks and skewering their partners with their chopsticks when they get PMS.
Yell it out people:
‘I’m fucking fantastic and I’m not going to be a doormat anymore.’
Then go and clean your mouth out with soap, put your undies on and put the vodka away.